It is hard to ignore the number 40 and even harder to ignore the big 4-8. It doesn’t matter how skinny I am, How I look, I am officially middle aged. My Mind goes why would someone want me when they can have one of the millions of younger women. They say this is the age when chivalry dies and grey hair begins, Men stop holding the doors open for you and giving you compliments and I have noticed online you attract the love rats.Thanks to Vonnda Rooks I cover my grey hair up. I block the love rats quick. Well I am a woman that if you fail to open the door, we both are going to be standing there along time if you do not open the door and you are male. My son ask me once why don’t you open the door, I replied I taught you to open the doors for ladies and I am one.
When I started this blog it was to help me deal with Middle aged empty nest syndrome. Little did I know I deal more with health issues than worrying about how much of a Tom-boy I am. How I somehow skipped being a girly girl. My house has been empty for the first time in 31 years since August. I find it to dang quiet, just me and the dog. I see it as a mid-life quest for identity. The questions I seem to ask myself is.
What have I done so far in my life?
What will people remember me for?
What do I focus on now?
How do I make sure my children know they need to stand on their own two feet?
Some know that in April I married and my family believes, I lost my mind, because one he is 28 almost 29 on 11/25/16, and two he is Arabic and three he is of the Muslim faith. This stance in my life uncovered a lot of racist that are in my life. In August he decided that Fort Smith was not Arabic friendly, neither is my family he thinks, he moved to Indiana. His wish is for me to move to Indiana give up my 9 ½ years at my job and start over. I thought about it for months and I have decided I cannot move start over, with my health issues I face this would be a bad move, sometimes culture and age does make a difference in understanding. So here I am at 48 living single life and married. Asking myself what do, I do about this relationship. Love someone, but the differences makes it to much to live together. How do you make someone understand that when you are vested in a company and have serious health issues that most people ,would have already retired with, you cannot walk away, starting over, it just is not an option.
I have made a lot of friends online, from sweepers to bloggers to my coffee buddy Nitin. Over the last two years I have started many mornings out chatting with my coffee buddy. I look back at life and see I have 4 children ages from 21 to 31, they all graduated high school, two have given me 8 grandchildren. I have my BFF Kathy who has been there for me through a lot. I have the best big sister Rhonda, that God could have given me. I know that one day she will stand with my children and watch them cover me in the ground, and I know the pain it will cause.
I had an appointment with a neurologist Dr. Belinga he asked me if I had stress in my life I just laughed. I thought what a conversation we could have. I love my job, is it stressful? Yes very, stressful is it something that keeps your mind and body busy? Yes. It is an all changing, place and always will be. I hope I have made a positive impact on the lives of the clients I serve and my Co-workers, friends and family. My children, I have one that has dealt with an addiction for almost 13 years now, she has been clean for over a year and I am so proud of her, I have one that seems to just go with the flow, one that is seeking his identity, and sometimes finds that life is hard, and one that seems to be straightening up but thinks money grows on trees and is something you just spend on everything but your own needs. My question lately do to health issues is. When is it best for you and the people you serve to just retire? What do, I do when that day comes? Am I, a bad mom if I stop bailing my children out force them to stand up or fall. If they blow their money let them either work or live like people that do not work. When do you say I cannot take the stress I am done you are grown sink or swim, or do you? Outside of my children and my job. I have no identity. Outside of online life, I have none. So this is my mid-life identity (crisis)