I started this blog as a way to deal with being midlife and a pending empty nest. Then it became a review blog and a spill your guts hospital blog. So I just got out of a hospital stay from August 30 till September 4th. This time I came closer to meeting our maker than I like. So I was asked by the hospitalist if I wanted her to start my heart back if it stopped. I now get to decide if my quality of life is that bad or if the life I have made for myself is bad? Most people do not get the chance to reflect on this.
I look back on life at 15 I started being caretaker for my grandfather who had Alzheimer’s . My maternal grandparents were always my rock to lean on. I also had a elderly Aunt June and a elderly friend lee, I took care of in some way or another. I started having children at 16. I have four Latisha age 30, Kyle age 29, Kevin age 21 and Caleb age 20. I have also taken care of my grandchildren for a while 3 little girls. In August My nest became empty.
I now realize my nest will remain empty it is time for my children to sink or swim while I am still alive. I also came to realize everything, every choice in my life has been made for someone else’s benefit from education to homes, never once was it my benefit. I love my children more than anything but it is time they work and support themselves or find out how life is for people that do not.
I made a trip today to the Dora cemetery to visit my father’s grave he died 9-10.2009. I did not attend his funeral and never visited his grave till today. I have found that forgiveness even where it wasn’t asked is important for you. In life sometimes things are funny the way they work out. He had 4 children two he always claimed and 3 he claimed for a while of course when I stood up to him and walked away 26 years ago I fell to the side, Out of the 4 he has two who suffers from schizophrenia and one that is MR and then there is me I got the gift of his bad lungs. It took 26 years for me to be able to say I forgive you and love you. The step mother that walked in and chose to turn around and go back to bed and treat me like I was competition, instead of a little girl that needed your help, you have never asked I forgive you. I realize that in life you face what your mind can take.
Now I contemplate what I do with life now that my nest is empty, and it is finally time to do what makes me happy. While I do that I will have a glass of Arbor Mist Moscato in Mango Strawberry and a kimberleys strawberry shortcake cupcake.